Poems A-B-Performance Poetry Organisation

Performance Comedy and Humorous Poetry

Ramblers often appear to be fit and healthy individuals who dress to fit the part with

all the correct gear including "Proper walking boots" that cost a lot of money. In "Proper boots" a rambler can walk through mud and bogs, across streams, as well as climbing up steep rocky inclines and rough paths. A rambler can "Ramble" anywhere with the correct boots. A "Proper rucksack" is an essential part of a rambler's kit. It must be waterproof, and capable of carrying jumpers, socks, waterproof coat, headgear, food and drink, an ordinance survey map, and sometimes a tent and sleeping gear. Not sure if they carry a toilet.

So, with all this special gear, here is my "Rambler's Tale"
 

A Rambler’s Tale

I wandered ‘cross the valley fine

And stumbled on a rock

Green vale, lush grass, the sun did shine,

Got mud right down my sock.


 

The birds sang out their tweets divine

My rucksack heavy for me,

Gentle breeze, the air like wine

I collapsed beneath a tree.


 

Flowers around me, caress, entwine,

Got cramp below my knee

Above in tree the birds were perched

One dropped a crap on me.


 

I sat there for a long, long time

No-one came looking for me

So I wrote a poem, or at least kept trying

‘till sleep came over me.


 

I dreamt of fairies, elves and gnomes

Making funny faces at me

Then dawn came in with radiant glory

Made me want a cup of tea

I ask: Why stay in city all the time

When we get all of this for free?


 

I jumped for joy down muddy path

Brushing grass and leaves off me.

Robert Mason

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After a tiring week at work we should be able to enjoy the peace and beauty of our garden,

but first we have to make it look neat and tidy through what else but more work!

CUTTING THE LAWN

With firm resolve in this difficult hour

It is time to get out my rusty lawnmower


 

Time to face this difficult task

Time to wage war on long weeds and grass


 

My weekend of freedom from life’s daily toil

Sees my freedom destroyed

By long green stuff in soil


 

A burden too much for many I fear

Who leave their grass long throughout the year


 

Forgetting pleasure and freedom

I resolve to fight

To get the grass cut

Make the lawn look right


 

Then sudden reprieve

It’s started to rain

Good excuse for not doing it

Relax again

 

My neighbour walks past saying “Your grass is too long”

“My garden’s tidy, unlike some”

“Don’t let your grass grow through my fence again

It’s twice as high since we had that rain”


 

Wait till next weekend,

Weather dry at last, Forget about relaxing

I must cut that grass.


 

Once finished I’m proud of the fine looking lawn,

A week later it’s long due to rain

More toil and struggle,

I yawn,

And say “I won't cut it again!”

Robert Mason
 

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DON’T DO THAT!

"Take off your shoes when you come through the front door

I don’t want to see mud on my carpeted floor!"

(The carpet was shabby like it had seen mud before)

"Don’t leave a tide mark when you next have a bath

It’s me who has to clean it, I work hard enough!"

(The tide mark is permanent, never properly been rinsed,

Bought bath cleaner five years ago,

Not used since)

"...And when you're back home from work

Make me a cup of tea,

I’ve been sat here all day,

because I’ve hurt my knee!"


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Facebook Friends

I have lots of Facebook Friends

In total ninety-three

I sit on Facebook every night

All weekend, when I’m free,

My friends post jokes and comments,

They post anything they see,

We tell each other all we do,

Like shopping or having tea.

 

I don’t go out, no need to

Gained weight and all flabee

I’m not as fit, but I don't care

Cos no-one can see me

I sit alone in bedroom

As happy as can be.

 

Most my friends I haven't met

Though some went to school with me

My closest, bestest, Facebook friend

Who makes me so happy

Is Gobby Chris, lives two streets away I thought I’d call to see

I knocked on door,

He came downstairs

He didn’t look healthy

I said “Hi I’m Dave your Facebook Friend

Can I take you out for tea?

“I don’t know you", Gobby Chris replied

"How come that you know me?"

I replied “Your Facebook friend”

He said: "That cannot be,

you are just a Facebook friend

such friends aren’t real to me"

 

He slammed the door, so I went home,

Made a cup of tea,

I switched on my computer

Upset with lonely me,

I clicked on Facebook there it was

Staring out at me

What have I learnt? What can I do

Facebook’s my world to me?

Feeling blue, down hearted

I would ease my misery

I would join my Facebook friends,

No longer ninety-three!
Robert Mason

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I Teach Birds to Sing

I am an elocution ornithologist

I teach birds to sing and chatter

But only those who can’t sing properly

It does them good to have a natter

It’s important that they sing well, to find themselves a mate

When I practise elocution

I can get a bird for a date

An owl was brought to me

Who whistled “Willie Willie Wooh”

I taught him how to sing properly

He now goes Wooh, Wooh, WOOH!

Another patient was a duck squarking “Quick” instead of “Quack”

Every time that he said “Quick”, Other ducks panicked, and swam back


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Interview With The Chancellor of The Exchequer

“R” is the Reporter “C” is The Chancellor

R: What are your plans for the Budget this year?

C: Two pounds on a bread loaf, abolish tax on beer.

R: Sir, are you serious, this sounds austere!

C: Well, I don’t eat bread, but drink lots of beer!

R: Won’t the poor suffer, ordinary working folks?

C: I’m not being serious, you can’t take a joke!

R: Sir, do please be serious, the Press are all here

C: How did you know I’d gone deaf in one ear?

R: If I talk louder, what are your plans on Tax?

C: What’s that about your plans to interview by fax?

R: No Sir, I said Tax not Fax, but reporters use email

C: Yes, I prefer to be interviewed by a female

R: No Sir, it’s me, I’ve been given your interview

------now can you comment on income tax rates?

C: What’s that about cement, and me going on blind dates?

-----------------Pause-------------------

R: Chancellor, in your budget, will you raise lots of taxes?

C: No, no, no, ------------ yes, infact lots of yes’s

R: Sir, what about tax on electricity and fuel?

C: What’s that you say? a new tax on gruel?

R: Gruel is what Oliver Twist ate .. leftovers stewed

C: Yes! I’ll start taxing food, glorious food!

R: Will you freeze Personal Allowance as people fear?

C:No, I’ve increased my allowance to £100,000 this year

R: No Sir, the Personal Tax Allowance is what I meant

C: We can’t afford to raise it - I’ve overspent.

R: What about Road Fund Licence for cars?

C: Yes, I’m increasing drink and food tax in bars.

R: I didn’t ask about bars, restaurants or pubs!

C: Good idea! A new tax on Charity Savings Clubs!

R: Are you increasing National Insurance, would it be rational?

C: No, you won’t get insurance on a horse race like Grand National!

R: How are your relations with the Prime Minister?

C: I can’t stand her husband, and I live next to her

R: Your working relationship.. is it getting thin?

C: My relations can’t stand her, and I avoid him.

R: Is the economic forecast gloomy or bright?

C: I haven’t seen the weather forecast, but it’ll be sunny tonight

R: It cannot be sunny, It’s always dark at night!

C: What I say goes……...and I’m always right!

R: Sir, I didn’t mean the weather, I meant the economy

C: There you go again, arguing with me!

R: Are you reducing pollution by tax on road fuel?

C: I don’t want car drivers to be more economical

R: So it’s true! You don’t want to lose tax on oil revenue!

C: How did you know that. Who told you?

R: Chancellor, with interest rates so low will inflation drop?

C: I never buy anything, I send my wife to the shop

R: Are retail sales high due to low interest rates?

C: Oh, thanks for reminding me, she needs to buy some dates

R: What about mortgages, first time buyers still struggle?

C: You’re absolutely right, it’s a confusing muddle

R: Have you any policies to give house buyers help?

C: Yes, a Government boost, I kick, and civil servants yelp!

R: What about Social Security, and benefit reform?

C: Yes, we have plans to tax people as soon as they’re born

R: Chancellor, what of the future, will you serve another term?

C: No, it’s the Prime Minister’s job that I yearn.

R: You as Prime Minister! When will the country learn?

C: I serve people better the bigger salary I earn!

R: So you see yourself living at Number 10?

C: Interview over! You’re arguing again!
Robert Mason

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Kitchen Friends

I’m a kitchen cooker, I’m hot and I’ll burn you,

Unless you put a pan on me,

And then I’ll cook your stew

I’ve got an oven underneath, I’ll try to bake your cake,

But don’t let daughter bake or cook,

You’ll just get stomach ache.

I am the kitchen sink,

Don’t put your dirty hands near me!

You have! You just won’t listen,

Pour away your cup of tea.

You do your washing-up in me,

Use lots of cloths and soap

And when I’m grimed up to my neck

Pour disinfectant down my throat!

I’m the kitchen fridge,

I know that I’m real cool,

If you don’t store fresh food in me

Then it’s you who’ll be the fool.

I help prevent food poisoning,

‘Cos I keep your food real fresh

But keep an eye on men and kids

‘Cos they leave me in a mess.

I am the kitchen toaster,

“Pop-up” they all call me,

I toast your bread for breakfast,

While you make your coffee

I know you get annoyed, when I pop-up too soon,

It’s not my fault your toast is white,

Do you want me to play a tune?

Then you set me way too high

Your toast burns black, smoke and fry

You’ll never get the hang of me,

I’m technological that is why!

I’m the electric kettle, I’m getting bad tempered and old,

I take it out on the teapot, who every day I scald,

I give her boiling water, to make endless cups of tea,

I’m fed up with all this hot work, I hope retirement soon comes for me!

I am the kitchen freezer, it’s always cold in here,

You can store your food for months,

but tell you man not to store his beer

His frozen can exploded, he didn’t really care,

He tried to clean the mess he made,

I smell of beer everywhere!

I am the under-sink cupboard,

They don’t usually talk to me,

I always feel so ashamed, I’m such a mess you see,

They store cleaning cloths and liquids,

To get rid of household muck

But do they ever clean me out?

NO SUCH LUCK!

We are the kitchen cutlery

We bang and rattle, ‘cos we are rough,

Knives, forks, spoons all made of metal,

Yeah, we utensils are hard stuff!

Oooh! don’t look at us the kitchen crockery,

We’re everyday use you see,

We really are quite common,

Not like the China for afternoon tea,

Or like the crockery brought out at Christmas,

And other special times

Those snobs get to meet the glasses

That serve the special wine.

Don’t forget me, the microwave oven,

I am the noisy one,

I light up and roar, my plate revolves,

Until your food is done

I’m the fastest kitchen worker, so I will end this tale,

About all my kitchen friends,

Whoops! I forgot the towel rail!

Robert Mason
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Lost My Car

Saturday morning, up with the lark,

Drove into the city to find somewhere to park,

Found a multi-storey, lots of car spaces free

Feeling quite good, went on a shopping spree


 

On my return, laden down with things bought,

Took the lift to floor three

Where I had parked, so I thought.


 

No sign of my car, floor three was wrong,

Where had I parked it, where had my car gone?

Someone said “Press your key fob –car lights flash and a beep”

I did, nothing happened, panic did creep.


 

Went down to floor one, car not there, pressed my fob.

Up to floor two, was it stolen or robbed?

Saw my car stood there, proudly waiting for me

Tried the door, wouldn’t open,

A voice said “That car belongs to me!”


 

“You’re a car thief, I’ll call the police”.

I stood bewildered....he wasn’t nice.

I looked at the number plate,

Wrong! ..I didn’t check twice


 

In my thoughts I used a strong word,

But here I’ll try to be posh

I voice in my mind said “Oh, my golly gosh!”

Same model, same colour, but not the car I own

I apologised profusely, (that’s posh)..I should have known,


 

Up to floor four still pressing my fob,

And finally top floor,

Nothing!............It’s not here anymore.


 

Or had I just missed it

Hidden somewhere below,

Had I left it unlocked?

My car stolen, Oh no!


 

I tried phoning the police

But phone signal was weak,

So I went down the stairs outside to the street


 

I started dialling my call

Then confusion arose

“What is your emergency?”

I simply froze

I could see another car park

On the next road


 

I walked in hope to that car park

And there on floor three

Was my relaxed little car

Waiting for stressed-out me!

Robert Mason


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My Cat

I live in a bungalow, and I have a cat

He never stops eating. He’s ever so fat

 

He waits on the driveway for me to come home,

He sits looking neglected, cat home alone

Warm friendly greetings, he nudges tail high,

My small furry friend who never asks why


 

He simply wants feeding, so to cupboard I fly.

A half tin of cat food that should keep him quiet,

I know kindness is bad. He should be on a diet

 

I think of myself, need to run to the loo,

Priority was cat, most urgent I do

I live in a bungalow, loo on ground floor,

Five minutes goes by the cat at loo door,

Me-ow I’m hungry, me-ow, me-ow

I’m still in the loo feeling stressed by now.


 

He forgets he’s been fed, short term memory none,

He me-ows for food as soon as its gone

Next tactic I try, is to put him outside,

While I have a shower, get cleaned up and dried.


 

He stands at front door with loud pitiful Me-ow,

That goes on twenty minutes, neighbours notice by now.

“Your cat sure looks hungry, won’t you give him some food?”

I say “He’s been fed, it’ll do him no good.”

To be honest I feel like treating them rude

Other neighbours appear, outnumbered in vain,

I go in my cupboard feed cat again.


 

He is too fat to climb fences, no longer eats mice,

His constant me-owing, means he gets fed twice

But that’s not the end, to each neighbour he goes,

His sweet face, me-ows, his pitiful woes,

They feed him, he eats, like never eaten before,

And then when he leaves he just goes to next door

Robert Mason


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My daughter’s Hamster

My daughter’s cuddly hamster died

It used to bite my fingers

(so, I wasn’t sad)

But she cried and cried


 

I knew just what to do with him

After all, he was dead

Put in a bag, in the bin

No harm done, nothing said


 

My six year old saw me

My family shouted “You can’t put him in the bin”

“Oh, I’m not that cruel......

I was going to bury him”


 

I am her Daddy, I had to understand

“Let’s go and bury him down the garden”

She held my hand.


 

At the bottom of the garden,

Laid him to rest,

Covered him with soil, in his final nest


 

My daughter said

“Daddy, will it soon rain?

When will my hamster grow again?”

“Will it grow up from the ground?

Will you catch it before it runs around?


 

“They don’t grow from the soil”

I could see her tears of confusion flow.

“Let’s buy another from the pet shop

We’ll go right now.”


 

So on that evening she was happy

New hamster, her delight

And every time I fed it

The sweet little thing did bite!

Robert Mason

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My Jelly

My Jelly went wibble wobble--whooo!

That “Whooing” sound was something new,

As I carried it wobbling, my guests suspicions grew,

That it shouldn’t go “Whooo”,

But what could I do?

I can’t bake, such a skill I lack it,

I just jump in the car, dressed in my jacket,

Go down the supermarket, buy it in a packet
 

The jelly didn’t set, so I thickened it to taste,

With white stuff I found whilst searching in a haste,

I didn’t read the label which read “Wallpaper Paste”

The guest had now arrived, their meal began,

The jelly seemed so flat as it stood there in pan,

Sudden bright idea, inspiration of a man,

I inflated it with a tube fixed to an aerosol can
 

Who says I can’t bake, who can criticise me?

The jelly stood firm and proud for all to see,

It wibbled and it wobbled like a jelly to me
 

But the noise it made “Whooo” louder grew,

And a smell of air freshener called “Morning Dew”

Well, the jelly collapsed,

But the guests ate - it went down fine,

“Though I must admit, I didn’t eat mine
 

My guests are all out of hospital now,

Adhesive in their stomachs,

Doctors asking why? And how?

And me? I’ve given up baking - at least

For now!

Robert Mason

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OLD FRIENDS

                                                                                                                                           
 
I saw my friend from years ago

In my local pub one week.

I looked at him, he looked at me,

I thought I’d better speak.
 

Still overweight, same anorak,

His hair still growing thin,

He hasn’t changed one single bit

I walked straight up to him.

How are you Paul?

How is your wife

Are your kids at college yet?

Do you still follow horses?

Remember when we won that bet?
 

His look of blank expression

Then “I don’t know who you are”

“I’m not Paul” and it wasn’t Pauls voice

Embarrassed I left the bar
 

A few weeks later I did see Paul,

Much slimmer than he used to be,

That same old smile of recognition

And he came up to me!
Robert Mason

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Salesperson At The Door

Is that somebody knocking?

Is there a salesperson at the door?

Pretend there’s no-one in,

Peep round, the curtains draw.
 

Oh no! I don’t believe it,

He’s coming to the back door.

“Hello, we’re in the area

Thought we’d give you a quick call”

I said “I’m really busy, haven’t any time at all”

He said “It’ll only take a minute,

Survey, research, free prize draw”
 

I said “I bet you’re selling something”

His reply “I want no money at all.”

“You can pay later if you wish,

but only if you decide to buy”

I thought: You won’t sell me anything,

No matter how you try.

Quick survey soon established things

I needed right now, brand new,

He sounded real convincing,

My confusion grew.

I said “Give me time to think about it”

He offered discounts if I bought today,

This offer too good to refuse

Will never again come my way

But Wow! I soon got rid of him,

When I said I had no money to pay!

Robert Mason

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The Fairy

I am a Fairy, I live in a hole,

Along with a rabbit, and a mole,

None of us work – we’re on the dole.
 

I appear now and then to help people feel glad,

Then it all goes wrong,

People think they are mad,

Those who have seen me are classed as insane,

We fairies also crazy – one lives down a drain.
 

I often fly out, to weave magic spells,

I first must get ready,

Make-up, perfume, hair gell.
 

I appear before people, to grant them a wish,

Oh! How they react - they’re all so selfish!

Mrs Brown asked for a lottery win,

She’s now in a clinic, spent her money

on gin.
 

Mrs Jones wanted marriage, but how was I to know,

She divorced and married seven times,

We reap the seeds we sow.
 

I granted Jack his dream – a big fast car,

He drove fast, lost his licence,

Now he cannot travel far.
 

I came across a man wanting to be famous

and a fairy,

You now see him on TV,

  • Some think he’s pretty, I think scary!

When I appear in the world,

To try to do some good,

Spells go wrong, things don’t happen

as they should,

I’m still a learner Fairy

  1. living in the wood.
  2. Robert Mason

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I’m Hungry

I walked into the bakery

To buy a vegetable pasty

Just one left on the shelf

"I want that!"  I said so hasty
 

“Please join the queue” I was told

“Wait your turn” ....was I too bold?

I watched with mounting tension

For the queue to disperse,

The vegetable pasty waits for me

I could almost sense the taste
 

The lady just in front of me ordered bread and cakes

She offered to pay then “Almost forgot, my mistake”

“One vegetable pasty”

I felt so stressed and empty, my heart dropped through the floor

My world was at an end

As a turned back to the door
 

Then from the corner of my eye something caught my sight

The baker with a tray

Oh my pure delight!

Full of fresh baked pasties

Fresh smell overwhelmed me

“One vegetable pasty please”

“Or should I now say three!”
Robert Mason
 

Animals Eating

I turned to my dog, our eyes did meet

That look of pleading

When he wants something to eat

The gaze said everything

“I want dog biscuits and meat”
 

One minute later a dish full of food

I knew my dog thoughts

“That looks good”

Bite, bite, gulp, gulp,

All gone in a minute

“That’s my eating done,

What do we do next”?

Go walking for a bit
 

My cat wanted feeding

Shall I tell you how I know?

Meeow, meeow, meeow,

Then jump on me full body blow
 

A dish full of food,

I hope the cat likes it today,

Yesterday she left it, threw it all away.
 

With gentle nibbles and slurps, the cat commenced her meal,

Then she stopped and looked around

She knew the dog would steal

After five minutes, all her food gone,

Meeowed to go out

Cat flap undone,
ignoring my shout
"Don't go next door!"

 

To visit next door, a pitiful Meeow,

“I’m hungry, please feed me, I can’t remember how,

How long it has been since I was last fed”

“I’ll give you some food”, my next door neighbour said
 

I then went for a walk, in a field were some sheep

Eating grass all day,

Much cheaper to keep.

Each mouthful of grass, munch, munch, gulp swallow,

“Oh I still feel hungry” another mouthful did follow

“Oh I still feel hungry” munch munch all day long
Chewing the cud, and singing a song
Baaah

Until night-time came down,

Collapsed in grass long
 

I observed a cow, chew, chew at the grass,

Another mouthful desired, but lazy alas,

Just regurgitate the last lot from my second tummy

Oh this is good fun!, gurgling sounds, yummy, yummy!

I never stop eating, eat everthing twice,

But I only eat grass, not keen on the mice
Robert Mason